S e p a r a t e But Equal
Memorandum to spouses of foreign service employees facing separation or divorce
If your spouse tells you that he or she wants a separation, do you know what to do? Do you realize that there is a difference if it happens on posting rather than in Ottawa? Should you return to Ottawa before the posting has ended? Is the Administration Officer qualified to help you?
At a time like this it is very difficult to make well-balanced and informed judgments. You might have few, if any, people to consult. The physical, emotional and mental trauma involved is often overwhelming.
The following comments are the result of a brainstorming session attended by several ex-spouses. We hope that they will be of help to those facing a separation or a divorce, since there are a number of practical steps to consider. Here are four stories (names withheld) which will indicate how some ex-spouses survived this rather painful period of their lives. You will also find some useful advice as well as addresses and telephone numbers you will need at this time of stress.
First Account
When I was informed by my husband, during the fourth year of our posting, that he wanted to separate, the first thing I said was, "I want all the paintings and knick-knacks." In retrospect it sounds stupid and petty, but later I realized how important these things were to me. The next thing I did was to go and see a psychiatrist. Since the separation happened while on posting , it was not easy to find the right one. I had three sessions, which helped a bit, but most importantly, it was the first concrete step I took to help myself.
The next thing I did was to go and see the Administration Officer on post. Since I had already decided to go back to Canada on my own, two months before the posting ended, it was imperative to find out what I must do upon my return. The Admin. Officer was extremely helpful and gave me the name of the person in Ottawa who would look after me. As it turned out it was very useful to have one person who coordinated all the red tape. I stayed in Les Suites Apt Hotel in Ottawa for one month and during that entire period I received a per diem allowance. I could not move into my house earlier than that since my tenant had to find another home.
During all that time I did two important things: I negotiated with my husband, no matter how difficult , and I found a lawyer. She drew up the separation agreement, which I promptly sent to my husband. He suggested some changes and we ended up agreeing on a version which finally was signed by the lawyer and by both of us.
When the time came to draw up the final divorce agreement my lawyer prepared a forty- page document which I knew would never be accepted by my husband. Very reluctantly I sent the document to him and as predicted, he rejected all of it. I then told my lawyer that I would no longer need her services, paid her $4000 and decided that if my husband wanted a divorce, he should get his own lawyer and pay for any future expenses. During that year, I was fortunate to receive the help of a personal friend who was a retired Foreign Service Officer and who also had a law degree. He gave me emotional, moral and practical support. He also found the section of Bill C-55 which deals with the division of pensions. So I knew what my rights were and consequently tried to learn as much as possible on my own. This was, after all, my life and my future and I had to have enough information to know what to ask for. So eventually I knew a lot more than when I started. I also realized that no matter how painful, it was better to negotiate directly with my spouse. I truly believe that this can save lawyer fees.The final agreement was similar to the Separation Agreement, but it was drafted by his lawyer. I insisted on one very important provision, namely that if I ended up living with a man or even if I remarried, the monthly amount would not change. I then obtained the forms for the Division of Pension. They were available at the Posting Briefing Centre. I filled them out and sent them to New Brunswick. Any questions regarding these forms can be directed there, though it might take some time to obtain any answers.
It was important that my spouse agree to the division of pensions. I knew that if he did not agree I would need a court order and that would complicate matters. It is also important to realize that whatever amount is decided on should be part of a negotiated settlement. A formula is then worked out by the Superannuation Bureau. In my case it was easy. My spouse had been working in External Affairs for 30 years when he retired and I had been married to him for all that time, so my entitlement came to nearly half of his lifelong pension. Half of my share came in the form of a lump sum.
Three quarters of that amount went into an annuity and one quarter into a Life Income Fund. The monthly payments from the annuity were fixed. In other words I receive the same amount every month, regardless of the cost-of-living increase, The Life Income Fund may change every year . It depends on a government formula regarding the minimum or the maximum amount allowed to take out of the fund. It also depends on the fluctuations of the investment fund. The advantage of an annuity is that it provides a regular reliable monthly income until death. The disadvantage is that upon death the remaining funds go to the insurance company and not to one's heirs.
My agreement allowed me to stay in the family home, even though fifty percent of the value of the home belonged to my spouse. According to our agreement, he also paid the mortgage and the taxes.
When I first moved back into the house, I wrote down all expenses, even the most minor purchases. This turned out to be very useful, since it was a very clear indication how much money I would need to survive. When my spouse and I separated, my children had all left the house and were living on their own, so there was no question of child support.
If a case goes to court then most judges will grant the spouse the same living standard as before the separation. Needless to say that in the Department of Foreign Affairs, where the disparity in income between Ottawa and a posting is considerable, it certainly complicates matters.
Meanwhile I had found a number of temporary contracts which augmented my monthly income This in no way affected the provisions in the Separation Agreement.
It is indeed difficult to deal with practical matters when one goes through a mental, emotional and psychological trauma. You need determination, a period of "mourning", good relations with your children and friends as well as a healthy dose of common sense. If you possess all these qualities, I promise you, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Second Account
After my husband retired from External Affairs, things were still as bad as ever. In fact, for me life was hell. My salvation turned out to be a good psychologist. My husband chose him and he came along with me to two sessions. After that I went alone. The advice he gave me was good no-nonsense sound advice. Basically, he said you have two options: stay in marriage with all that it entails or leave. I chose the second option. GSMIP paid the first $800, the rest I paid myself. I felt comfortable with this counsellor, I went regularly and slowly it became evident to me that I do not have to stay in this marriage. At the same time I consulted a lawyer. She was familiar with Bill C-55 and knew all about the law pertaining to the division of pensions. I did not always understand the advice she gave me or what I had to do. Whenever I needed to sign a document I consulted my son who was very helpful and explained things to me in terms that were comprehensible. I told my lawyer what my husband told me, "I'd rather see you in the poorhouse than give you anything."
Third Account
Fifty years of age can be a wonderful time of life or a vulnerable one. For me it was both. We had just returned to Ottawa. We immediately began to plan our future. We bought a new house and had just signed the ownership papers for a vacation cottage on lake Huron, a gift from a relative. Two of our children had entered university and a third was finishing High School. I was looking forward to decorating both the house and the cottage and I presumed my husband shared my enthusiasm. It was wonderful. Then one sunny July morning my husband of thirty years announced that he had found a marvellous girl friend. I was stunned and devastated. Not only was I about to lose my husband, I would also lose my status and financial security. At this time I also realized that I was about to begin the fight of my life and I was sure to lose that as well. This was my vulnerability and a self-fulfilling prophesy. I had never won an argument with my husband who loved to fight for the sake of fighting. And I was so tired of fighting.
Eventually I hired a lawyer, who at first was sympathetic, then became matter of fact, and began to hurry through the arrangements in the separation agreement. What was arranged was a monthly alimony and child support. Along with a small salary from a job that I had taken, this money barely covered living expenses. I fell into a deep depression, scarcely able to function, yet clinging to my job, since I needed to have the salary. What was happening of course was that I was having a nervous breakdown, yet I was not hospitalized nor was I on medication. Gradually, the reality of my situation occurred to me. What I had to do was to arrange for more support and garner as many benefits as possible. I might want to add, that at that time, the law pertaining to the division of pensions was not yet in effect.
I began to knock on office doors for help. The lawyers were sympathetic but not encouraging. I would need an enormous amount of money to annul a separation agreement and even then the results might not be in my favour. At about this time my husband had returned to Ottawa. I assumed that perhaps he would be willing to make some changes in the agreement. He refused to see me and even began making threatening remarks when I called him. The situation was hopeless. The only assets that remained were the two properties. These were sold and with the profits and the help of my daughter, I arranged a mortgage on a small house, which I now share with her and her child. We live frugally but we count our blessings.
This story could have been so different had I consulted a therapist before approaching negotiations with a lawyer. I needed more self-esteem, more courage to fight for myself and a clear picture of reality. Upon reading my story you may recognize some similar traits in you own personality. If you do so please don't hesitate to consult a health professional. They will help lead you to a happier and more peaceful future.
Fourth Account
After thirty-four years of marriage and thirty with Foreign Affairs, but safely back in Canada, I found the courage, despite being a mess mentally, to overcome many fears and in 1985 presented my spouse with separation papers. The familiar threat, " I won't allow you to do this - I'll make you pay.", justified my fears. It took thirteen years, three months and four days to have final closure. It was a long and stressful time.
Upon receiving the separation papers my ex immediately retired and a few weeks later moved from Canada. He never returned. He abandoned three children of our marriage. With him being outside Canada and ignoring correspondence, I could only proceed through the courts to win my rights. I had no settlement, no job, no money, no U.I.C. and was close to a mental collapse. I drank too much, finally realized what was happening and asked for and received help through the Royal Ottawa Hospital. With the care of my psychiatrist I was able to get a focus on my life and began to look after myself. Life began again and continues to get better. Since 1992, I have owned a successful Direct Sales Business.
Our Department at the time did not have as extensive services and support as today. I hired a lawyer and began the frustrating, tedious and costly legal process of attaining a settlement. The man was out of Canada, retired and purposely ignoring any correspondence. In 1988 after three and a half years, I finally obtained a divorce. I was fifty-eight years of age.
Shortly after the divorce judgment was issued, my ex cancelled his life insurance. I neglected to consider this financial implication during the settlement negotiation. My lawyer also neglected this issue. In hindsight I probably thought he would change the beneficiary to the children. I had no life insurance of my own (nor do I today). I contributed to the early premium over thirty years.
During the next ten years my ex violated the judgment in all aspects and brought a motion to sue me for two pieces of furniture and payment of his tax arrears.
With legal help over the years I obtained the following:
Child Support
In 1992, the court awarded financial assistance for my daughter's schooling. The monies came through the Family Support Court and were garnisheed from my ex's pension.
Pension
From 1988-1993, post-dated monthly cheques from my ex for my share of the pension were frequently under the category of non-sufficient funds. Therefore, in 1993 I finally obtained an Ontario Court Order to have my pension share automatically transferred to my account from my ex's account. Despite this ruling, the monies were frequently transferred out of Canada the same day by my ex, leaving insufficient funds remaining to be transferred to my account.
With great relief, in 1996 I obtained a Court Ordered Division of Pension at source. I was unable to recover past pension funds owed to me.
Supplementary Death Benefit
The divorce judgment made me beneficiary of Supplementary Death Benefits. In 1989 I learned my ex had surgery for cancer. During the investigation to recover child support in 1992, it was discovered that my ex had changed the Supplementary Death Benefits beneficiary. The benefit value at that time was $63,000.
In 1994 I received an Ontario Court Order to re-establish myself as irrevocable beneficiary.
Only after my ex's death in late 1998, did I learn it is impossible to have an irrevocable clause. Federal Supplementary Death Benefits policy overrides the ruling of a Provincial Court. My lawyer should have been aware of this, as too the Court Judge. The legal and court costs were a waste of money.
Taxes
My ex and I jointly owned a small seasonal property. My ex owed Federal taxes from 1988. Revenue Canada garnisheed the maximum allowed from his pension and were prepared to seize the property for payment of his tax arrears.
In 1998, with legal help in negotiating with Revenue Canada, I paid a portion of his tax arrears and obtained a Bill of Sale from my ex. I am now able to rent the cottage during the summer to augment my small pension. Also in 1998 I obtained a collateral loan against the property to pay my legal costs of over $30.000. I will be forever grateful to our Canadian Justice System. Though legal help is costly, without this help , I would find myself today, at the age of 69, without a pension. I hope no one who faces the challenge of divorce ever has to experience the problems I did.
Here are a few suggestions when facing similar circumstances: Try to keep contact and to negotiate with your spouse until everything is settled. Get a family lawyer as soon as possible, one who is familiar with questions of government pensions: i.e. Bill C-55 dealing with the division of pension issue. Get a good financial advisor and/or accountant. Keep good relations with your children, parents and friends. If necessary ask your family doctor to recommend a psychiatrist or psychologist. Make sure you have your own credit cards and bank account. Keep a portfolio with copies of all important papers, transactions, bills, monthly expenses, etc. Inform Personnel Division at the Department of Foreign Affairs of the situation and ask for any assistance they can provide. At the post ask for an appointment with the Head of Post: inform him/her of the situation before he/she learns about your situation through the grapevine. Do not allow your spouse to intimidate you. Do not be afraid to cry, it is a great stress reliever. Try to limit the use of alcohol. Do not be intimidated or rushed by your mediator or lawyer. Never be afraid to ask questions. Keep the following documents handy: Your birth certificate, your spouse's birth certificate and citizenship card, your marriage certificate, Social Insurance number of your spouse, your spouse's file number or I.D. with the Department, your spouse's driver's license, car license, health card number, health insurance information like GSMIP, and life insurance records. Have all your children's records; birth certificates, passport number, vaccination records, school records. Locate your mortgage records, household insurance policies, household goods storage records. If legal fees are too costly, you might be eligible for legal aid. Never sign anything without a mediator or a lawyer. If you have joint credit cards, immediately inform Visa or Mastercard that you are not responsible for purchases. Get in touch with the Employer Assistance Office in Ottawa. Get hold of the Foreign Service Handbook. If on posting, request financial assistance from the Admin. Officer in moving your possessions to Canada . Remove all your possessions out of the foreign country residence as soon as possible and if necessary store them with a friend or put them in storage till shipment to Canada. Make sure you get the Bill of Landing when the goods are packed, before shipment. Make your own list of all items, those that are shipped and those that remain behind. Check on the insurance coverage on goods to be shipped. Discuss all documents with at least one other person. Read all documents twice. Try to discuss the issues with your children. Tell them the facts and try not to alienate them from your spouse.
Here are some useful telephone numbers in the Department of Foreign Affairs:
- Client Services Bureau-Services Centre 995-9781
- Employee Assistance Program 992-6167
- Staff Relations Services 996-0869
- Travel Policy Services Division 992-8672
- FSD Policy 944-2530
- Government Travel Service 789-2011
- Passport Office- Official Travel 994-3550
- Health Unit Services 996-9227
- Superannuation Branch 996-4406
- Foreign Service Community Association 944-5729
- Professional Association of Foreign Service Officers 241-1391
Religious Counselling Services in Ottawa
- Christian Counselling Service Association
Dr. Roger Moyer, Tel: 729-8454 - Christian Counselling Services, Serenity Renewal for Families
Tel: 523-5143 - Jewish Family Services
Tel: 722-2225
Lawyers
- Mrs K. Marshall
1875 Highland Terrace, Ottawa, Ont., KIH 5A5
Tel: 733-6464 Fax: 733-5563 - Peggy Malpass
304-151 Slater, Ottawa, Ont., K1P 5H3
Tel: 235-8274 Fax: 230-7356 - Adriana Doyle, Beach & Doyle
200 Elgin St., Suite 203, Ottawa, Ont., K2P 1L5
Tel: 232-4304, Fax: 232-5403
Financial Advisors
- Christine Robertson
1149 Shillington Ave., Ottawa, Ont., K1Z 7Z3
Tel: 724-4808 Fax:724-6014 - Jim Wellman
2301 Carling Ave., Suite 200, Ottawa, Ont., K2B 7G5
Tel: 829-7874 - Jim Wellman
2301 Carling Ave., Suite 200, Ottawa, Ont., K2B 7G5
Tel: 829-7874
Psychologist
- # Dr. R.F. Muster
595 Montreal Rd. # 305, Ottawa, Ont., K1K 4L2
Tel: 745-5366Fax: 745-1186
This contribution is from the Ex-Spouses Committee Foreign Service Alumni Group